How to thrive during a breakup
Breakups are hard. You lose someone who was in your life, part of your life, part of your future and part of you. When that person disappears, and sometimes it happens so suddenly, it can really shock the system. You go through withdrawals; you are in pain, and you have no idea when it will stop or if it will ever stop. Just like when smokers try to quit smoking, they are not always successful. This is mostly because they still sneak in a cigarette every now and again. And that’s also what most people do during a breakup. This can look like:
-Checking on your ex’s social media
-Going through all your old pictures and videos
-Looking at memories from holidays
-Hoping that they will come back
-Imaging getting back together
-Keeping any gifts from them
When you do any of these things, you are like a smoker that’s trying to quit smoking, but you always find yourself running off to a shop to get your next pack.
Sometimes when we want to quit doing something, we just need to go cold turkey. No more excuses, no more exes.
Here is how.
1. Feel the pain first.
You have just lost someone that you loved and cared about. Trying to block them out of your life straight away can do more harm than good. Grieve the relationship first. It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to miss them and it’s ok to cry about it. Give yourself a time limit of how long you will grieve the relationship for. This can be couple of days, one week, month or even more. However I would advise not to make it longer than a month. You don’t want to get stuck in the depression. You have to feel the pain but eventually you have to move on. So decide how much time you are willing to give yourself to grieve the end of the relationship.
During this time simply feel what you need to feel, whether that’s crying, eating, sleeping. Give yourself what your body and mind are asking for. During this stage, feel free to miss them, you can even wear their clothes, look at your pictures, re-read old messages. This is where you need to get all the deep sadness out of your system by really feeling that they are gone. Most men supress their emotions after a breakup, and they are simply just trying to survive. But their emotions eventually catch up with them, and by the time they do, the women are already over the breakup. This is one of the reasons. The emotions will remain there until you feel them. It’s better to get them out of your system whilst the breakup is still fresh. This doesn’t mean that you will be happy right after your grieving period. You will still be sad, but you won’t be depressed. Getting out of the house won’t be so hard anymore. You will also start seeing glimpses of your old self. That’s when you know you are out of the grieving period.
So go ahead and grieve.
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Are you done with your grieving period? Then it’s time for a little detox.
2. Detox your past
One reason why breakups hurt so much is because we are not only saying goodbye to someone we loved, we are also saying goodbye to all the memories we shared together. It almost feels like those things didn’t happen because the person you shared them with is no longer in your life, and that can be very confusing. But for us to have a happy future without them, we need to detox our past:
- Remove all reminders
Once you have finished grieving, go through ahead and remove all reminders from your home. Relax, you don’t need to actually throw anything away. Just put it somewhere where you won’t see it. This goes for all the pictures as well. Again, you don’t need to delete them, you can just hide them so you don’t have to be constantly reminded of that person.
When you are scrolling through your phone and you accidentally see a picture of you and your ex, it’s so tempting to click on the picture and then reminisce over the times you had together. This is a very dangerous game because our mind is like a game of dominoes, you start thinking one thought, which leads to another thought, then another though and so on. And in less than a minute you can go from being happy and content to missing your ex and desperately wanting them back. However this can be easily avoidable. So go ahead and remove all reminders.
The same goes for social media. You don’t need to block them or remove them completely. Simply mute them so when they post something you don’t need to see it. I know it’s so tempting and easy to stalk someone on socials, so if this is something you are struggling with, I highly recommend doing a completely social media detox and remove the apps from your phone. That way you’ll have to think twice the next time you want to have a little stalking session.
As you are going through the process of removing all reminders, I want you to look at it as a healing, detoxing ritual. Put some nice music on, or have your favourite show on in the background. I recommend doing this when you are happy and content. This doesn’t have to be a sad process. You are simply cleaning something that clearly wasn’t meant for you, and you are creating space for something that is meant to be.
3. Designing your future.
Once you have detoxed your past, it’s time to design your future.
Another reason why breakups are so hard is because you imaged your future with them. You talked about your plans for the future. You included them in your plans, and they included you in theirs (at least at one point).
When you say goodbye to someone, you also say goodbye to the “perfect future” that you imagined. Since they are no longer in your life, it’s time to design your perfect future without them.
Wonderful place to start is by creating a vision board. When you create a vision board, you are forced to ask yourself what is it that you want out of life and how do you want your life to look like. Unfortunately, not many people ask themselves this question, so they spend their entire life on auto-pilot. But not you.
Designing a vision board isn’t even about manifestation. It’s about discovering your desires and then turning them into a reality.
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When you create your vision board think about what kind of a partner you want to have.
What qualities do they have?
How do they treat you?
How do they make you feel?
What are they like?
Write down your definition of an ideal partner, then look at that list and reflect how your ex clearly wasn’t that person for you. They probably met some of those desires but not all of them. If they did, they wouldn’t be your ex.
Imagine your ideal partner. Instead of daydreaming about your ex, daydream about your ideal partner. Visualise what you’ll get up to, visualise all the experiences you’ll have. And any time you think about your ex after creating your vision board, simply reflect on how they actually aren’t even the kind of a partner you want to have. This has been an absolutely game changer for so many people. So go ahead and create your vision board, and then start working on the individual goals. Your life is a story that’ still being written. You have no idea what’s going to happen, who you are going to meet, or what else you’ll experience. So get excited. The best days of your life are still coming.
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